A Letter To My Daughter: A brief look at some men you’ll meet in life…

Dear G,

A lot has been said recently (and will be said over the coming days and years) about girls and rape culture and sexual harassment.

As a woman, I’m furious when my basic choices (from clothing to how I walk and speak!) are questioned and communicated as being accountable for another person’s lecherous behaviour. As a mother of a little girl, you, I go into full panic mode when I hear or read some of the statements that young men (most, fairly well educated) make on the subject. How in heaven’s name am I going to protect you? I know damn well that telling you to dress (or not dress) a certain way won’t make a difference, so then what? It breaks my heart to know that I can’t actually shield you beyond the basics. As always, I can only share what I know and hope it makes a difference.

Starting here.

In this letter, I’d like to introduce you to 3 broad archetypes of men that exist in this life, based on my personal experience – although I dare say that this experience is pervasive amongst most women.

There are men in this world, who will have no qualms with outright hurting you (type C). There are those also who won’t realise that what they say or do could hurt you; some of them will learn to change their words and actions in order to be better human beings (type B1), and some will be defiant about justifying why their words and actions should NOT hurt you (type B2). The third and best group of men (type A) are those who will respect and support you as a woman even in the face of being ridiculed by other men (and sometimes women).

These 3 types will be all about you wherever you go and you will have to experience all of them in varying degrees. Here’s how I suggest you deal with all of them.

When you meet type A men, become their friends; have long discussions with them about life as men and women and learn how to exist in this world happily with each other. Employ them, marry them (preferably just marry 1! 😊), start businesses with them. If I haven’t been clear so far, I’m saying these men are the shiznit! They will go far and will take you with them.

Type B1 men, be patient with, and if their hearts and souls are in the right place, they will quickly realise the errors of their ways and become your greatest allies.

Type B2 men, well, I don’t know for sure but I still believe they are not all bad. Most are just scared of being stripped of their masculinity – this is a shaky time to be a man I think; more and more they are having to prove their ‘maleness’ in a world where open homosexual relationships are on the rise and effeminate attributes in men are wrongly used to label them as gay – and this is the thing that scares them the most.

Type C men, if you are able to identify them (because most are not obvious about what they are), steer clear. You cannot change them. God brought them into this world that way and He will either take them out the same way or divinely transform them all by Himself. He does not need your help. Refer to the story of Saul/Paul in the Bible. He did that by himself. So if you find yourself in any kind of relationship with a man who remotely thinks it’s okay to hit you or verbally abuse you, sexually assault you or disrespect you, baby girl, flee! You. Cannot. Change. Him. His mother’s love for him did not change him so don’t try and step to that situation with yours thinking you’re the holy grail of change. FLEE!

Some of them won’t ask for your permission before they step to you with their rudeness and with their callous behaviour. Some won’t understand that your body was not created for them to extract ‘pleasure’ from at will. Some won’t understand the simplest of 2-letter words that you had grasped before your years were same in number, no matter how many times you say it, write it, or even scream it. AND. THAT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. It never is. I pray God’s protection over your life each day that you never have to encounter this in any form. But in the event that you do experience harassment in its simplest form (like I have) or in its worst like countless other good decent women in this world have, know that you did nothing to deserve it, and dead or alive, I will be there for you, to talk it out with you and to heal with you. And make no mistake, in the words of your father, somebody will be getting fucked up after!

Always ever, angels on guard.

Mama.

The Thing About Patriotism…..

Dear G,

15-20 years from now, there’s no telling where in the world you will be, whether still here in your country of birth and the place I call home, or halfway across the globe in Asia! I’ve wished for the ability to see into the future numerous times but so far God isn’t biting so we can safely say I don’t know what tomorrow will look like for you or us. However, the one thing I do know in my heart and the one thing I pray you never lose sight of, is this current place we’re calling home, Accra, Ghana and by extension, the African continent.

I followed the US elections last year with mild amusement (granted I lost my cool at a point and started to do the exact thing I found amusing, but I recovered quickly), and I was especially amused at Ghanaians (and other Africans) who felt threatened by the leading candidate’s perceived racist and anti-immigrant views. To be clear, there was more about this candidate that I personally abhorred but it’s not relevant to this letter. Bringing it back, what I have never understood is the need for an African to leave home, and then get upset when someone tells them they aren’t welcome in their new settlement. I’m all for exposure to different cultures and worlds, but I stick to the notion that when all is seen and done, you need to take your talents home and make home better for the next generation.

There are people in this world who won’t respect you or give you the time of day simply by looking at you and summing you up as nothing more than a black woman. Currently, we sit at the bottom of the food chain, metaphorically speaking. It’s not strange for our race to be overlooked and misjudged to be dull and unintelligent with no basis of proof. That’s the time that I’m existing in. Maybe your time will be different and we (my generation) would have done enough work and proved ourselves enough to make your path easier. If we do not succeed before your generation become old enough to vote and participate as adults in our world, I can assure you it would not have been as a result of a lack of trying; we will only look to you to join the movement and chisel away with us. We may just be one hit away. Stronger together, always. We need that strength – yours and mine and your children’s – to make this place, our home, better for us.

I can’t honestly say that home (Ghana) right now is perfect neither can I tell if we will progressively become a better nation. That’s never what it should be about. You mustn’t strive to live in a “perfect” place; you must strive to perfect the place that you live: the place you were born, the place you call home, the place your parents hail from….. the place where the large majority of people look and think like you. And you must be proud every day of who you are (3/4 Ghanaian made up of quarter Ashanti, quarter Ewe, one-eighth Fante, one-eighth Northern, & 1/4 Ethiopian) because doing that, showing pride in your heritage is the thing that will keep others from ever thinking they are better than you.

Is all of this negotiable? Yes, it always is. I will always pray that you make your own choices, fully comprehending the pros and cons at all times. These are my sentiments and wishes based on my time and life here and on my love for this continent. Maybe as you grow and over the years, our adventures across it will become something to spur your own love for this soil. Who knows right? 🙂

I hope I’m able to do that for you.

xoxo

PS. Leaving with this patriotic song. I wish I could find the original video that used to play on GTV but this will do. “Yen Ara Asaase Ni” (This is our land) – By Dr. Ephraim Amu.

The Lyrics and translation makes this post even more relevant I think:

Yɛn ara asaase ni (this is our land)
Ɛyɛ aboɔdenden ma yɛn (It is priceless to us)
Mogya a nananom hwie gu, nya de too hɔ maa yɛn (Blood was spilt by our forefathers, to preserve and keep it for us)
Aduru me ne wo nso so (It is now my turn and your turn also)
Sɛ yɛbɛyɛ bi atoa so (to do something to add up and move forward)
Nimdeɛ ntraso nkotokrane ne apɛsɛmenkomenya (now-it-all behavior, cheating and selfishness)
Adi yɛn bra mu dɛm (Has maimed our character)
Ama yɛn asaase ho dɔ atɔm’ sɛ (And reduced our love for our land)

Chorus (2x)

Ɔman no sɛ ɛbɛyɛ yie oo! (whether this nation prospers)
Ɔman no sɛ ɛrenyɛ yie oo! (whether this nation fails)
Ɛyɛ nsɛnnahɔ sɛ, ɔmanfo bra na ɛkyerɛ (Clearly will depend on the character of its citizens)

reference: http://www.learnakan.com/ephraim-amu-yen-ara-asase-ni/

Getting back in the saddle…

Hey love!

I have been awful at this blog so far for reasons you may by now be fully aware of (refer to post on Procrastination if in doubt!). Something did trigger today’s post, reading the article “Before I Go” written by a dad suffering from lung cancer and losing his life. Although I am not aware that I suffer any terminal illnesses, I do share his sentiments regarding his daughter and his need to leave behind a legacy of words.

So here I am, hoping life does not serve me a cruel hand by shortening my time with you. If it does and I am unable to truly convey to you what you mean to me and how much you positively impact me every day of my life before that time, then I hope I would have left behind words that would leave no doubt in your mind and heart that you are the bestest thing that ever happened to me!

Love you always…angels on guard!

XOXO

Ps: never repeat that “bestest” grammar in your English class! I will deny you ever got it from me!! ☺️☺️😄😄😉

The Thing About Failure…

Dear G,

The first thing you need to know about this particular “F” word, is that it is relative. There is no black and white, and regardless of what we were all taught and how we were all graded in school, there is no pass mark. Got it? What, you don’t believe me? 🙂 Let me break it down for you.

Scenario 1: Kid comes from a family of brainiacs. All his older siblings were top in their class and both parents well accomplished in their professions. If said kid comes home with “B” grades, in his family’s eyes, he is letting them down and thus to some extent, classified a failure.
Scenario 2: Kid comes from a family where none of his siblings graduated from high school. Same for both parents. Kid toughs it out in class and scrapes through with “Bs” and “Cs” and ultimately ends up in some form of tertiary education. Success story! Kid is hailed in his family.
My point; failure (and success for that matter) is relative.

I myself am more of a Scenario 1 kid believe it or not. Most Ghanaian parents like to brag to their kids about how great they did in school, maybe to set some kind of benchmark for them. I don’t know. My reality was that while your auntie was bringing home the first prize in physics each year, I was struggling to make it out of the bottom ten list! Let’s take a moment to pray you didn’t inherit the “oh-my-God-what’s-with-all-these-numbers-and-weird-symbols-and-what-do-they-all-mean” gene.

I guess what I’m trying to say to you today is, don’t sweat the small stuff. But don’t get me wrong; you are not allowed to be anything but the best version of yourself. Anything less will keep you up at night. I guarantee it.

Great things come in the most surprising packages and instances. So when you feel like you’ve failed at something over and over again, when you reach the point where the thing you’re pursuing seems to be getting further and further out of reach, take a minute, take a day, a week or even a whole year and just stop to listen to yourself. The voice inside you that knows more about you than you can ever imagine will tell you if it’s time to pursue something else, or approach from a totally different direction. I call it God, some call it fate, destiny and even luck. We’ll talk about that later, but for today, you must always believe that there is a bigger world out there that you have no control over and in which you have a significant role to play that’s been predetermined. Once you find that track, there’ll be no turning back and whatever ‘failures’ you had experienced prior, will suddenly make so much sense to you.

Through it all, I will be cheering you on with bells and pompoms on some days, and other days with quiet pride and satisfaction. No matter who or what you become and how things progress, know truly, that I will always be your number one fan!

Love you always. Angels on Guard.

XOXO

The Thing About Womanhood….. (Part 1)

Dear G,

I have to be honest, I’m dreading us getting through your puberty! I would like to freeze time when you turn 9, then fast forward straight to 25! 🙂 I kid. 🙂

There’s something uniquely special about becoming a woman that I hope to be better able to explain when your time comes. Beyond the physiological changes (boobs, periods and hair all over the place!), you’ll have to work through emotional and attitudinal changes that will be very difficult to define and manage, based on what’s going on in your life. I’m almost 30 as I write this, and I still don’t have all the answers. During your toughest most challenging moments, I hope knowing that I had not clearly defined my womanhood at this point in my life will give you some relief.

So today, I feel I am ill-equipped to talk to you about what it means to be a woman. A lot of women believe they have the answers. Culture also has its definitions. Here in Ghana, our grandmothers seemed to give the “Obaapa” (good woman) seal of approval based on your skills in the kitchen (including ridiculous fetes like picking up a hot pot with your bare hands without flinching! Pot holder anybody?), and your ability to catch and keep a man (be submissive they say; don’t talk back, take whatever verbal or physical abuse he dishes out and keep it to yourself, lay out his clothes in the morning before he leaves and serve him a hot meal as soon as he returns….it goes on and on).

I don’t want to over simplify womanhood to you neither do I want to leave you lost in its sometimes labyrinth-like passage ways. Maybe we should agree to have a fluid definition for it. Something like “staying dynamic and not letting others put up yardsticks for us.” How does that sound? Very cliché I think. 🙂 I guess I’ll keep working on it.

The next 10 yrs will be very interesting for me. Anything new I learn or discover, any ideas that change, I will share with you and maybe they will help you through your own journey.

I’m glad I can give you this front row seat.

Angels On Guard
XOXO

The Thing About Procrastination…

Dear G,

This morning while driving to work, I happened to be listening to a radio talk show where a lady was being interviewed about a business she had set up that was up and running fairly successfully.

The problem?

I had been flirting with that particular business idea some 7 or 8 years ago but in the end, I did nothing to make it a reality. Today, it occurred to me that the success she was speaking about could have been mine. I was bummed.

I do have a very big problem with procrastinating; wanting to do something but putting it off for months and months till I got to the point where the idea or action was buried far and deep in the recesses of my mind, not to be thought of again till something happened to trigger it. Case in point, I got the idea to start this blog even before you were born. To share my thoughts and myself with you, in case something awful happened (still touching wood).

Now if this is a genetic problem, I pray you did not inherit it. Life is too short to waste a second not following through on that one thing that
popped into your head and got you excited and bubbly from breakfast through to lunch!

images

Believe this; you are as in control of your destiny as you choose to be. Life will ultimately throw you curve balls and situations will come your way that will take you away from whatever path you choose. The key is to know when you’re off track and to have the desire to get back on. You will figure the rest out before you know it.

Attached is one of my all-time favourite songs, “Get Back Up” by TI. I call it “Psych up music!” 🙂 I hope you like it.

Angels on Guard.

XOXO.

Ps. I am going to try not to procrastinate anymore about learning French. So this December, on my 30th birthday, I will post a letter in French with at least a 100 words! Wish me luck!

First letter….

(this post was written at an earlier date)

My dearest darling girl,

I’m full of emotions writing this. I don’t know where to start to be honest. This is something I always wanted to do; write you letters to tell you about me, about my history, and about life and love as I know it.

It’s just after midnight, 7th September 2014. Exactly a year ago I was wriggling in bed from the worst pain and discomfort I had ever felt. And at 6am I packed a small bag and headed to the hospital to get checked. At about 2pm, I was told that your fabulous self was tired of my womb and wanted out immediately! You were 35 weeks. After a couple of hours of prepping me for surgery, I heard your first cry at 5:30pm…the most beautiful sound I ever heard. Nothing I had experienced in life prior to that day could have prepared me for meeting and falling in love with you. Unfortunately they wouldn’t let me see you just yet because you had to stay in an incubator, and I was strapped to a bed to wait for the epidural to wear off. I slept fitfully. I could hear you in the nursery and I wanted you next to me, never to leave my side!

I must have had the quickest post surgery recovery because bright and early the next day I was sitting up and begging to be brought to you. Early in the afternoon, the midwives gave in and I was ushered into the nursery. You were asleep. I reached my hands in and held your tiny little one. And then the love attacked my heart and carved out a permanent space bigger than my heart itself! 🙂 I cried. Tears of joy that I had brought life to earth, tears of relief that you were fine, tears of fear because all the tubes and machines connected to you were scary, and tears of something close to pride; 1 day old and already such a strong fabulous woman.

The first 24hrs of your life I will never forget. I may over time forget who was there and the series of events. But that moment when I touched you for the first time…that overwhelming sense of pride, fierce love and protectiveness,…those I will never forget because everyday I look at you, I’m reminded of those very same feelings.

This is my promise to you:

I will not always make the right decision for you but I will always make the decision that feels the “rightest”. I will do my best to protect you from unnecessary pain in life but at the same time, I will make a conscious effort to be unprotective enough so you make the necessary mistakes for your life. I promise to commit annually to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, not only to set an example for you, but so we both learn to be independent in love. I will do my best to be there for you, to talk to and listen to you. Somehow I will learn when to be your mommy, when to be your mother, and when to just be your friend.

I hope you enjoy my letters to you. If nothing else, I hope they remind you that underneath whatever exterior I put on when you interact with me, I’m still just a girl with a baby/child/daughter that I am desperately learning to love the best way I know how.

Like your grandmother always said, Angels on Guard.

XOXO