(this post was written at an earlier date)
My dearest darling girl,
I’m full of emotions writing this. I don’t know where to start to be honest. This is something I always wanted to do; write you letters to tell you about me, about my history, and about life and love as I know it.
It’s just after midnight, 7th September 2014. Exactly a year ago I was wriggling in bed from the worst pain and discomfort I had ever felt. And at 6am I packed a small bag and headed to the hospital to get checked. At about 2pm, I was told that your fabulous self was tired of my womb and wanted out immediately! You were 35 weeks. After a couple of hours of prepping me for surgery, I heard your first cry at 5:30pm…the most beautiful sound I ever heard. Nothing I had experienced in life prior to that day could have prepared me for meeting and falling in love with you. Unfortunately they wouldn’t let me see you just yet because you had to stay in an incubator, and I was strapped to a bed to wait for the epidural to wear off. I slept fitfully. I could hear you in the nursery and I wanted you next to me, never to leave my side!
I must have had the quickest post surgery recovery because bright and early the next day I was sitting up and begging to be brought to you. Early in the afternoon, the midwives gave in and I was ushered into the nursery. You were asleep. I reached my hands in and held your tiny little one. And then the love attacked my heart and carved out a permanent space bigger than my heart itself! 🙂 I cried. Tears of joy that I had brought life to earth, tears of relief that you were fine, tears of fear because all the tubes and machines connected to you were scary, and tears of something close to pride; 1 day old and already such a strong fabulous woman.
The first 24hrs of your life I will never forget. I may over time forget who was there and the series of events. But that moment when I touched you for the first time…that overwhelming sense of pride, fierce love and protectiveness,…those I will never forget because everyday I look at you, I’m reminded of those very same feelings.
This is my promise to you:
I will not always make the right decision for you but I will always make the decision that feels the “rightest”. I will do my best to protect you from unnecessary pain in life but at the same time, I will make a conscious effort to be unprotective enough so you make the necessary mistakes for your life. I promise to commit annually to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, not only to set an example for you, but so we both learn to be independent in love. I will do my best to be there for you, to talk to and listen to you. Somehow I will learn when to be your mommy, when to be your mother, and when to just be your friend.
I hope you enjoy my letters to you. If nothing else, I hope they remind you that underneath whatever exterior I put on when you interact with me, I’m still just a girl with a baby/child/daughter that I am desperately learning to love the best way I know how.
Like your grandmother always said, Angels on Guard.